2009-05-02 - 12:29 a.m.
Here it is late at night. I have so much to say but no one to say it to. Things I have never said, things I may never say. I hold it in and keep it to myself. When I am drinking or smoking is when I am most likely to let it out, but when I start to do so it sounds trite. I have said too much at times, I have left myself vulnerable, but when I have people seldom noticed, and when they did they didn't realize it was just the first lines of a book buried in my heart. When I tested the waters I never got the response that I desired, but it is wrong of me to want people to react in a manner that satisfies me. I am sober at this moment, this Friday night when I would ordinarily be otherwise. I am not at peace but I am accepting of the burden I carry with me. This is what matters, not the stress I am feeling about work when I might be laid off in weeks, not the loneliness I feel when I can't find someone to share my life with, not the means that I lack nor the ambition. I do value life. Some of the indulgences I grant myself may signal otherwise. I allow this to distract myself from my natural thoughts because there is no other way to turn the switch off. But on a night like tonight, while there is no chance that I will let go of this old coffee can of words inside of me, I am okay with at least letting it be known that it exists...
